Tinder: A Manifesto

I think everyone agrees that tinder is the worst. But in this day and age (I sound 100 years old), meeting your significant other organically feels like an anomaly. Many young woman, like myself, have been so inclined to use dating apps because of convenience, to meet people outside of their small town or to avoid the bar and club scene entirely. Tinder, after all is the McDonalds of intimacy: quick, easy, makes you feel good in the moment, but the day after you just feel gross. The tinder landscape has changed drastically and now a lot of the dudes expect that if you’re even on there, you have already agreed to some unspoken rule: Tinder is for one night stands, and if you’re looking for anything else, how dare you. It’s weird that seemingly no one has reached a consensus on what tinder is for. Is it hetero Grindr or agnostic Christian Mingle?

Don’t get me wrong; I applaud people who put in their bios that they want casual sex, FWB or anything in between. Transparency is quite refreshing. However, what I can’t stand are the people who make you think that they want to be friends or date and then thirty seconds later are pleading with you to have sex with them. Or perhaps, the extremely fragile man-child who propositions you for a hookup and when you politely say no, hits the “fuck you ugly fat bitch” button real fast. This is not a man-hating post or an all-people-on-Tinder-are-trash post (cause I’m on Tinder too, like, hello). This is a post to simply laugh at the absurdity of what millennial dating has become.

Gifs are the worst thing to happen to Tinder. There’s no good way to respond to a gif from a stranger. “Haha”? Something about Star Wars? Look I don’t need to prove my nerd fandom for you, BUDDY. Gifs are great for sending to friends, they’re not icebreakers.

Clearly trying to be edgy and funny but it always misses the mark. Hyper-sexual jokes right off the bat are a little strange and a bit aggressive! Especially ones that are sexual assault-y? Like yikes, I hope in this role play scenario your partner would know you’re dressed as a TSA agent and not think a complete stranger is violating them. I’m reading way too into this. MOVING ON.

Hey, I’m just a nice guy wanting to hang out with you! Look at this smiley face, I’m completely harmless! I just want really want to talk or watch a movie! I can tell that you’re so interesting even thought we are strangers and have never carried on a conversation! I’m not expecting sex at all! The moment you arrive for our hangout, I won’t molest you on my dirty couch because I’m such a nice guy!!!!

There’s so much to unpack here. I highly doubt this overcompensating douche would be able to deliver on (C). What would be his rebuttal if I chose (A) or (B). Why does this sound like the SAT from hell?

“Ur hot” + “babe” = irresistible to women.

I couldn’t end this post on a completely negative note. Here is a gem, proving that you can have funny, drive-by exchanges without asking someone for a full cavity search.

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